(This was written in one of the Hope Inquiry sessions I have designed and led. These will become part of the offerings of Syntropy under its Self-Nurture programme. The event took place online on 23 October 2022. Hope Inquiry was based on how nature has offered me hope post-pandemic as I was invited to be most present with myself in moments of stuckness. If you may be inclined to read it, the article can be accessed here. - https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/10778004221134085 )
How to allow myself to embrace a return that will feel like a heartbreak, a missing, a losing, a leaving, of being alone,
of not hearing ‘Nana’, of not feeling his hands around my neck or holding mine
And yet I could not hold on to him,
he has to go back to his Mama, my daughter
of course, his return reminds me of my daughter’s return to her father.
I have to release the heart-aches, the felt-pain, the embodied fear of losing my mind. It took a while to return to myself.
I must invite ‘hope returns’. There are so many attachments that weigh heavily on my body. I am attached to my grandson. I am attached to having him around.
Return is of letting go, to just being in this moment without appropriating the present to what has gone before. The present moment is all I have. I return to it with deep intent so the future that I fear does not interrupt or rob this time with Zack, of all its joys and surprises and all its stories and memories.
I return to now and be here fully for Zack
I return the fear of losing
I return the fear of the past
I return the heartaches, the pain
I return to the many moments of teaching Zack has given me
I return to the bond that I am Nana to Zack
I return to the love I have for him, for his mother
I return to the hope of his return.
This morning still in bed.
I asked him, ‘what does the future look like for you, Zack’?
His response, ‘with super powers!’
Now, that is a hopeful response!
He said he wants to be able to fly.
I return to the gratitude of having him, of having the time to spend with him. ‘Thank you, Baba’.
Thank you for my grandson’s presence.
I return the past that is no longer here and I return to now as I am.